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You're reading this, and you know who you are.

My friends will read this, and it'll be old news to them, because they've been able to follow me with this little blog here, but this should probably be the first time you've ever seen it, and, even though I showed it to you, congrats on finding my blog.

I emailed you that link so you could read this entry.  I encourage you to read the whole thing, this is going to disappoint you all...

I've been hiding my online life from you, dad, Sonny, everyone.  And with good reason.
I'm a gay, Christian furry.  My online life is what I'd like to lead in real life, but I can't because of the way you and everyone else reacts to something like this.
So here goes...

Furry:
This is probably the least of your worries.  A furry is basically an interest in the anthropomorphication of animals, giving them human characteristics.  Like bugs bunny, Wile. E. Coyote, and the like.  I enjoy this because it lets me express my interest in eagles. 

Gay:
I'm actually bisexual in terms of orientation, but I might as well be gay, seeing as how I found someone in this 'IRC', Internet Relay Chat. This is that 'furry' that Raleigh keeps talking about being banned from, because I wasn't ready to tell ANY of you about him, I didn't want Raleigh stumbling onto it and blurting it out.  And sure, you may say that an internet relationship will never work, or I'm just infatuated with him, but that's not how I see it, and I don't want you telling me how I feel or what I'm going through, because I damn well know what I'm going through, and I want to deal with it myself. I don't care what other people think, or what they do, but I can't let him go.  We're in love with eachother, and we seem like we'd work well together.  I honestly have no idea where it will go, or how far.  It may fall apart tomorrow, or it may last until we die.  Either way, I'm raising my voice and telling you all that I've got a boyfriend, and I'm too damn stubborn to give up.  The worst thing you can do right now is try and take me away from him, and vice-versa, because I won't stand for it.

I'm still Christian:
I know God exists and that He sent His only son to save us from the sin that consumes us.  He gave us His word to live by, and that's where I falter.  I'm an intellectual, and very stubborn.  I can't follow it.  I just can't.  I try as hard as I can, more often than you know, but there are some things that slip through the cracks.  Believing, in my position, is a feat in itself.  I believe He's there.  As far as it's concerned, I live my life as well as I can according to the bible, I praise and I worship, because yes, He deserves it all.  He also deserves my obedience, 100%. But that's something I just can't give.  I live all the other aspects of my life as closely as I can to His word.

If it's any consolation, this whole thing is tearing me apart, coupled with the stress of school, and never having any time to spend for myself. It's always given to other people.  My boyfriend can also tell you I've been struggling with this, struggling with my religion, and what I'm doing, where I'm going.  He also knows that it became too much for me, and that's why I'm typing this.  It got much too overwhelming for me to hide this from all of you.  I can't even tell you face to face, because it hurts me so much to disappoint you and the ones that once looked up to me.

And don't tell me you're not disappointed or frightened.  Because you are, and I know it.  I know my siblings will never look at me the same, or my parents.  Or the church.  So many friends I hate to see have their image of me shattered.  Everyone.  I know this spins your view on me and my lifestyle.  I'm sorry to suprise you, scare you, disappoint you, and destroy that perfect reputation, but I couldn't stand the lie anymore.

As for your involvement with this, you're all pretty much equally involved.  My parents half-way govern my life, and the church is my religion.
The problem lies here:
I don't want help. I want to work through this on my own, and let it run its course, for better or worse.  I swear on my life I won't hesitate to get up and leave you all behind for my own life.  I just don't want to be interfered with.  I'm not stopping any of you from praying for me, in fact I encourage it.  It's just a warning that if my parents take my priveleges away just for the sake of breaking my love for my boyfriend, I won't think twice to go elsewhere.  The church doesn't have such an involved role, but it is involved, being my religion altogether.  In the mood I'm in right now, I don't care for anyone or anything.  Even my boyfriend's at risk, which rarely happens.  And right now I encourage everyone to make their own decisions.  The church can exile me/forbid me/excommunicate me or whatever, it's their choice.  My response would be more or less uncaring.

As a summary:
I'm a gay, Christian furry.  All these properties of my person conflict and clash horribly in my mind.  I'm working through it all slowly, and something's bound to come out in the end, and, whether good or bad, I don't want anyone else to try and interfere.  Why? Because I fear that the natural effect would draw me away from those close to me, and put me in a position to stop altogether.

Mom: I'm sorry you had to read this, and I know it disappoints you. It takes a lot for me to even type this, it'd be even harder to tell you face to face.  I know it destroys that view you had of me being the perfect son, nice, slow to anger, and the like.

Dad: Same, but it probably disappoints you more than anything.  Thinking that I'd live to be such and such someday, and then you read this and it goes spiraling downward.  I'm sorry.

Sonny (my youth minister): I feel like I have a strong bond with you, but it goes the same for you.  I'm sorry.  When we were at camp, and I told you about him, I watered it down, because I couldn't stand letting go.  Yes, it's gone farther.

My friends: This may not come as so much of a suprise, and I know who's out there that I can lean on for support.

All of you: Don't even try to take him away from me.  I won't stand for it.  Also, the last thing I need from any of you is a lecture.  That's what I hate the most.  I know what's going on, and I'm trying to deal with it.
It's just a matter of time before I make a compromise, or give up altogether.

I'll be happy to explain more to any of you as you need it, but not face to face.  I just can't do that.

In the end, I say this:

I don't want pity, or help, or anything.  I wanted to get this off my chest so you all knew what I'm going through.  I'm working it out on my own.  I don't want you to interfere or try and stop me, because I'm sure it'll end up in something drastic.

I can't articulate myself like I'd like to. 

I'm sorry...
I love you all.

landhawk

Current Mood: Frustrated and Depressed
Current Music: Default- Count on me

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